I'm making a new xanga.  I know I have a lot but I don't fucking care what you think.

"..Let either of you breathe a word, or the edge of a word, about the other things, and I will come to you in the black of some terrible night and I will bring pointy reckoning that will shudder you.  And you know I can do it...   ...and I can make you wish you had never seen the sun go down!"
     -The Crucible by Arthur Miller-

   She drew in a light sigh of indecision as she slowly pushed the door ajar.  The dim light from the man's blinking alarm clock spilled out onto the cold, hard floor.  Afraid to blink, she squeezed through the door and made way to the large bed, draped in flowing white linens.  For a moment she stopped and watched as the mound of covers moved up and down with the rythm of the man's breath... almost entranced she was... nearly stopped breathing she did.  As she crept towards the slumbering beast, knife quivering in her grasp, she stepped on his watch and it began to wail out in a terribly shrill 'bleeep, bleeep'.  The man awoke and turned to her, startled.. but not afraid.  'Honey?  What are you do-' ..at that moment all hesitation left her muscles, all feelings left her nerves, all sanity left her soul.  She thrusted forward and swung the knife, splitting the man's throat like butter.. He collapsed and she stood there staring... eyes sluggishly dropped to the floor as she turned to leave the room... as she pulled the door shut she took one last peek at the silent, still, bright red mound of linens, and let out a heavy sigh of relief.

well.. since everyone and their fucking grandmother has pictures of themselves like vain assholes on their xangas i decided to join the crowd and i dont know.. maybe talk to someone.

   that particular photo however is about um.. 3 years old.  so yea, i'll be trying to get a new one sometime... yea.

-sigh-

aw man.. i have-i have no idea what's going on right now...

   what do you mean you don't know what's going on right now?  nothing's going on dumbass.

no, I mean, with my life.  It's like.. i don't understand anything!  Why is everything so fucking hard.

    uhhh.. it's not.  you're just a fucking pussy.  why don't you suck it up a little... there are people out there who have it worse off than you.

fuck you, what do you know about feeling the hot breath of death against the back of your neck.. making all those little tiny hairs crawl and tickle you... beckoning you to turn around... and when you do, it's just a big fat nasty, middle finger?

    well, i never really thought of life as being a fat hairy man with bad breath that breathes on me from behind... have you been taking your medication?

fuck medication too!  and NO i have not been taking it.. it's pointless.. besides, i like talking to you.  if i take it you go away... you abandon me and i'm all alone again... like i always am.. even in a crowd as large as woodstock i still feel alone.. cold.. like i'm missing from the world and no one even cares.

    maybe you should stop doing drugs.  if you weren't so dependant on alcohol and weed to make you happy maybe you'd be able to GET happy without it.  because you know when you don't have it you're not happy.. but then even when you ARE smoking you're not happy because you wish you could just quit and be 'normal'

i wouldn't be normal even without the dope and liquor and you know that.. hell you're the one giving me this advice..

    no, you're the one giving yourself this advice.  you don't need me.. you just made me up to keep you company.

well if i just made you up then why the FUCK do you leave me when i take those stupid pills?  you're all i have.. the only comforting person in my life.. you can't leave me.. i'll be nothing without you...

     oh shut up.  you know you'd be much better off without me... you'd feel more sane.. you've even told yourself that before.. even now as we speak i know you think you're crazy.  you're not cra-

I AM CRAZY!  look at me.. i can't cry... i am BURNING with hatred and sorrow inside yet i can't release any other way... my tearducts have been blockaded with plugs of lies and they are too slimy and sticky to be sucked out with the vacuum of faith.  i need to empty my head of these of these bad feelings.. and the only way would be to cry...

    then just cry

I CAN'T

    well why the fuck not...

I don't know.. i'm just so numb.. there's nothing left in me anymore.. please, please don't leave me...

    you have to take your medication.. and you have to trust people.. and you must let me go..

but you can't leave me.. you are me.. what will i become without you.. i'll have no comfort.. only more cold and more hatred and more sorrow.. i would die without you.

    oh for christ's sake damnit... take the pill.

NO

    I said take the motherfucking pill you know it'll make you feel better.  you have to.. the doctor said to.

I don't like the way it makes me feel.

   How does it make you feel.

Alone.

   Take the pill.

I can't...

   Take the fucking pill!

I can't, I-I-I just .. I don't know... please, please, don't leave me...

   It'll be ok... just take the pill...

Ok.. I'll try.. but please don't leave me..

   Take the pill.